Multigenerational Trauma

What it means to suffer from immigrant parent expectations

This image of Confucius is from Wikipedia at this link.

Confucius was an ancient Chinese philosopher, sometime between the 6th and 5th centuries BCE. He constructed a moral philosophy with far-reaching impact, centered on social harmony, moral self-cultivation, proper relationships, and a hierarchy of responsibility. His philosophy emphasized filial piety (devotion to family and ancestors), relationship roles (parent/child, ruler/subject, husband/wife), ritual propriety (conducting oneself according to one’s role), and humaneness (empathy and benevolence toward others). A key concept is that one’s identity is not individual, but rather defined by one’s relations to others. In other words, you are not an individual first. Your moral worth is shown by how well you fulfill obligations to others. This concept of Confucian collectivism and the conflict with American individualism is central to my life as an American child of Korean immigrants. When transplanted into American society, the Confucian East Asian immediately tries to assimilate because of that collectivist attitude, which sometimes results in laughable conflicts in an individualistic society like America.

Confucian philosophy can give rise to intriguing cultural phenomena in Asian societies, especially in child-rearing. There is a synergy between the respect for hierarchy, for elders, with that for proper conduct, for the observance of ritual and propriety, and for maintaining dignity that, at least in my opinion, leads to almost sadistic tendencies at times. Blind adherence to such principles often leads parents in Asian societies to propagate much of the multi-generational trauma that I now see so many Asian influencers on social media call out. My parents grew up in the 1940s/50s Korea that demanded the utmost respect for elders, to the point that it was expected even when undeserved. For example, a child would never be allowed to point out where a mother or father was wrong. It is unacceptable, and pretty much inconceivable.

One of the consequences of these beliefs is that corporal punishment, including the beating of children, is not only acceptable but a duty. My father whipped my brother and me with a variety of instruments, ranging from coat hangers to lengths of plastic track from our toy car sets. My mother would regularly threaten us by saying that she “will tell Dad!” What I find even more interesting is the behavior of Asian parents with adult children. I think most societies, while not universally agreeing with corporal punishment, would agree that young children need to be taught how to behave. However, most people also recognize that fully adult individuals have agency that must be recognized and accounted for by their parents. When my twin daughters were five years old, I taught them how to behave, but I always thought in terms of the long game, knowing that someday they would be full adults and might remember what I told them as children. For me, this informed the language and approach I used.

Such is not always the case with immigrants from my parents’ generation. My parents-in-law are a testament to this. They still view both Amy and me as children incapable of challenging them on any topic. After about 25 years of marriage and trying to be nice, I finally had it. I asked Amy, “Has your mother ever apologized for anything she has ever done?” I told Amy not to answer immediately, but to really think about it for a day. The next day, she admitted that her mother had never done so to her knowledge, not just to her, but to anyone. I told her that I was finished trying to have a relationship with her parents. Unless they were willing to apologize for their egregious behavior, or to at least discuss it, I had no interest in ever speaking to them again. We spoke one last time on FaceTime, with Amy and our daughters. At one point in the discussion, Amy’s father tried to repair things by suggesting that, as adults, we could address our differences through conversation. I was bemused by that suggestion, because I knew fundamentally he doesn’t believe in acknowledging any points I might make about his or his wife’s behavior. This was confirmed when Amy’s mother jumped in and went on a diatribe, saying she was so offended that anyone would even suggest she had ever done anything wrong. I simply laughed at her and said, “Well, I guess that’s it!” and hung up.